Damien

When people hear this story, they focus on what he did. This story isn’t about that.

It’s about who I was during that time.

At that point in my life, survival was just basic life.

I was trying to navigate unspoken loss with no resources, struggling with basic responsibilities, managing a household I wasn’t equipped to carry.

I was young, damaged, overwhelmed, and doing whatever I had to do to keep things moving, financially, physically and mentally.

So when Damien came into my life, it didn’t feel like a problem arising. It felt like relief.

He stepped in where I emotionally needed someone most.

He paid attention to me; to my daughter, to the little details that made me feel seen, wanted and supported.

That kind of attention felt like safety to me.

Something I didn’t understand back then-

I wasn’t choosing him because he was good for me. I was choosing him because he felt familiar.

Chaos, instability, and unpredictability weren’t warning signs, they were normal.

Looking back, I can see how fast everything moved. How quickly I let him in. How much I put on the line without even realizing it. 

I was tired. Tired of survival, tired of feeling like the world depended on me and solely on me.

Too often, “help” is just manipulation.

The inconsistencies. The small lies. The moments that didn’t quite add up.

I noticed them. I just didn’t notice where they would lead.

Survival mode is dangerous in its own way. You are no longer worried about long term plans, long term effects, the future. 

You’re only thinking about right now. Eating your next meal, getting money right now, surviving today.

This is a version of me I had to come to terms with.

A person that took risks.

A mother that normalized things that should have never been normal.

A sister that dived into a world of drugs with her little brother, instead of encouraging him to walk away. 

A version of me that I judge extremely harshly. That I still must choose to forgive, everyday.

I still have to remind myself she was doing the best she could, with what she had.

She wasn’t reckless for no reason. She was surviving. She was doing what she knew. Doing what she was shown.

That is not an excuse, it’s an explanation, an understanding. 

Knowing that difference is what allowed me to finally process a lot from those years.

What I went through during those months wasn’t just about a relationship.

My time with Damien and the relationship that followed - forced me to look at myself differently.

To question my patterns. To recognize what I was drawn to and why.

To understand that I wasn’t just a bystander in my own life, I was the director.

That’s a hard thing to admit. It fucking hurts. But it’s also where the growth starts.

Damien was a chapter. A heavy one. One I blocked out for years.

Not because of what he did but because of what it revealed in me.

That’s why my side of Damien’s story matters.

Today, I’m just a normal single working mom with major anxiety issues.

That past me… well, she got me here. 

This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness.

I’m extremely grateful she fought - and survived. Because some times were very questionable.

This is about understanding it well enough to be able to choose differently moving forward.

And hopefully to teach our children from our mistakes and prevent them from repeating them.

It’s about growth.

Still learning. Still processing. Still becoming. ❤️‍🔥🔦

Unfiltered. Unhealed; 🌪️☕

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